Kicking and screaming my way into the light

Judgment Day: Or, The First Doctor Visit September 15, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — thursdaynexxus @ 1:08 pm

Even after I was certain I was pregnant, I put off seeing the doctor. My excuses were silly: I’m too busy; it will take too long to find a new doctor because my current MD doesn’t deliver babies anymore; I can’t figure out how my insurance will cover this. Pretty ridiculous, since it seemed clear that my “condition” was progressing full boar.

Finally, I asked myself, what is my problem? Why can’t I get this done?

After some soul-searching, I determined that it wasn’t any of these likely culprits:
*Finding a doctor – really, that’s not too hard, thanks to the Internet (duh).
*Insurance complexities – while these are *not* at all fun (a topic for another day, perhaps), I knew we’d figure it out.
*Getting poked and prodded (and worse) at the doctor’s office – nah, I’ve been through it twice now, and I was due for a checkup anyway.
*Cutting the denial and accepting this pregnancy as a reality – aha, now we were getting somewhere.

But that wasn’t exactly it. There was a particular reason I didn’t want to talk to the doctor, and it had to do with this question, which both the nurse practitioner and the doctor would ask me on separate occasions:

“Is this a planned pregnancy?”

I knew the question was coming and I agonized over whether to lie, nodding and smiling, or to tell the truth. To tell the truth I would have to consider the truth, and ask myself all sorts of uncomfortable questions: How could I let this happen? I’m a smart girl – I have a Master’s degree! It’s not like I don’t know what works and what doesn’t when you don’t want to get pregnant.

I have the same reaction when someone asks me, “How are you doing? Are you excited?” Honestly, I am. But as I answer my thoughts are a whirlwind. I’m wondering if this person ever heard me say we weren’t going to have any more kids, and do I need to explain why we have apparently changed our minds?

In the end, I told the truth, grinning and blushing, my mind racing with explanations. But (surprise!) the nurse and doctor did not demand to know why an educated woman with a good job and health insurance in a developed country would not avail herself of one of many effective birth control options. They asked only one follow-on question: “Do you want this baby?” That one was easy: “Absolutely.” And then their reaction was much the same as my friends’: to celebrate with me and share my joy. Nobody wanted or needed me to explain myself any more than that.

So I guess I just needed to explain myself to myself, to calm down that thought tornado.

(But sharing it with the world didn’t seem like a bad idea, either, so here I am.)


In the Beginning September 13, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — thursdaynexxus @ 12:28 pm

By the time I took a pregnancy test at the end of July, I had no doubts about the result. Weeks of increasing nausea, fatigue, swelling – and the conspicuously absent “monthly visitor” – had already told the tale. “Yep, I’m pregnant,” I whispered to my husband as I crawled back into bed, feeling like a rebellious teenager caught in her own carelessness. Haven’t we been telling people we were satisfied with two kids? Haven’t we been rejoicing over our daughter’s potty-training and the banishment of diapers from our house? Didn’t we give away our crib, our high chair, and the majority of our baby stuff?

And yet, there it was, proof positive on the bathroom counter. We weren’t as ready to be done as we thought.

We spent the rest of the day grinning at each other and bursting into laughter like fools. Better that than tears, than giving in to the worries lurking just outside the bubble of our shared secret. Soon enough, they would begin to creep in, some mundane, some Big Life Questions:

How will we afford this?
Where will the baby sleep?
How will our kids take it? (See “Where will the baby sleep”, above. Someone’s going to have to share a room, eventually!)
What if there’s something wrong with the baby? 

And finally…

What will this do to our dreams?

We were just beginning to glimpse opportunities opening up in the next few years: time to work, go back to school, pursue new callings, improve the home we bought in 2009 (an early sign that we might not be the most prudent life decision-makers, perhaps). All that will have to shift – maybe some just down the road a few more years, maybe some will go away forever.

But on that July Saturday, we hugged each other and indulged in the luxury of a happy moment. “After all,” I said, “This happened because we are crazy about each other.”

Or maybe just crazy.